Is your purpose to exist for me? 

When do you think you can stop?

I thought I was here to help

Is it not obvious enough?

I wouldn’t have an answer

If you ever asked me

Because even in my dreams

I take a backseat

There are fresh, damp footprints on my apartment floor. Water rolls down my back as I sit on the floor wrapped in a towel like a burrito. I’m leaning against my futon and I’m staring impatiently at my phone.

In the middle of my bath tonight, I got an idea for a song and immediately rushed to where my phone was charging next to my bed. I knew if I didn’t get the idea down it would fade away slowly. I didn’t want a new idea to slip through my fingers, but sometimes they are like wisps of smoke; you can’t grab onto the original idea once you try to make it tangible.

My whole life I’ve been working around moments like this, keeping my phone near for recording random phrases and thoughts on my surroundings. I like to think this practice makes my brain more malleable.

Creativity is a struggle. It’s a discipline. It’s fun, wild, freeing, and frustrating. I love being mentally unstable because it makes words colorful in an otherwise bland environment. Moments are heavier when you’re depressed and the words tend to flood with the rising tide of emotions. Some of my creative friends might agree: being happy while trying to be creative SUCKS.

It feels a little more difficult to pull out those deeper emotions that connect us all: sadness, love, longing, revenge, and passion. I would say being numb and/or emotionally blunted has a similar affect on my creative writing/songwriting.

The heaviest weight to carry is the act of creating: diving deep within yourself and confronting…”feelings.” Like climbing a mountain with rope around your waist.

“There’s something pulling me back, but turning around would probably fuck up all the progress I’ve been making.”

I would LOVE to not be creative sometimes, but it’s not a choice. It’s an instinct. I HAVE to write and look internally and reflect on my current state of mind in order to follow through. Sometimes I find myself wishing I could let it go for days or weeks so I can focus on a simplified day-to-day life where I wake up and just focus on existing. It can sometimes feel exhausting, constantly kneading my personality and mind to come back hours later with it reverting back to emotional lumpiness.

Creativity is an infinite struggle against contentment. Creativity is constantly working to improve a craft that is insurmountable. But creativity is also a soul’s whisper in the back of your mind. It’s a voice to be listened to and not interrupted. There is no “end” to a creative life, only your typical ups and downs of war. The struggle can be tiring, but ultimately it brings me closer to humanity and myself simultaneously, and that’s the life I will always choose first. Most days I am uplifted and embraced by creativity, but sometimes I’m simply not in the mood for it.