I used to be obsessed with the show Lost when it came out. My parents and I RELIGIOUSLY watched the show. We even got all the puzzles and put them together so we could try to decipher the glow-in-the-dark map on the backs of them. We would push each puzzle together after flipping them over (yeah, it’s hard to flip a puzzle over) and then the three of us would study the map.

We HAD TO KNOW. We needed answers. And we came up with a bunch of awesome theories (my step-dad was right from the very beginning). Our brains will create an “answer” and then supply patterns and figures to support the instinct.

It reminds me of why we cling to our beliefs so strongly and stick with those points of view: our brain makes emotional decisions first, then provides logic to feed our ego. You are never wrong when you create your own version of the truth (I could have a discussion about this topic for forever, so hit me up in the afterlife so we can dive in deep).

The struggle with trying to improving ourselves is that we have to con-stant-ly challenge our beliefs and interpretation of our emotions. And honestly, sometimes I just want to act like an asshole and just give myself a pass to do so.

Doing emotional work requires two steps:

1. Becoming AWARE of your emotions: the ability to identify exactly what you’re feeling in a given moment, which sometimes means discovering that what seems like anger is actually sadness, etc.
2. Breaking down and CHALLENGING your emotions: the ability to pinpoint whether the emotion can be recreated with logical thinking using facts from the environment or situation it was shaped by.

Example: I get very angry with people who “emotionally dump on me” and then feel better and “leave me in the dust.”

Step 1: AWARENESS: I’m feeling angry, frustrated, depleted, and underappreciated by someone that I feel should value me more. Right now I am angry because it’s covering the hurt I feel that this person has left me behind/used me. I feel hurt because I thought if I was there for this person that it would strengthen our bond and give me a positive purpose in his/her/their life. I am now sad because if this person doesn’t see me as a valuable item, I don’t feel that I am valuable overall.

Step 2: CHALLENGE: I am seeking other people to define value for myself and I am not taking responsibility for my own emotions. Others are not responsible for my emotions about myself (see my prior post emphasizing the importance of boundaries). I should not provide emotional support to receive something back. My intent should be out of desire to share support for the other person, not to feed an insecurity on my part. If the idea of giving feels emotionally draining or negative, I need to set the boundary beforehand and keep a healthy space so I do not take on the emotions of others as my own.

This is a very personal example of how I (try to) process emotions with others. I have never established healthy emotional boundaries with other people, so I am often a mirror or a chameleon in relationships; their emotions become mine, I feel them and take on their colors as my own. Working on this is HARD. I’m not gonna lie. And just because I can write a blog about it doesn’t mean I’ve gotten rid of this instinct.

I value connection and security in all my relationships, which means that I need to feel understood and appreciated, and then need a sense of reliability back. It’s important to discover what you value in others, and then realize that you need the same from others.

When these are expressed in an unhealthy way, they still get projected in the same order and with negative connotation. So when I am feeling threatened or insecure within the relationship I accuse the other party of under-appreciation, and then I consider them unreliable or inconsistent even if this is not actually true.

I will feel flooded with emotion and then my brain gets to work to justify them. Stop letting your brain run away with your emotions. Let yourself feel the emotion and then STOP. Begin the two steps. Start with big moments first, then work your way to granular responses.

Sounds exhausting right? Or maybe you’re reading this and wondering why it sounds complicated because this is something you’ve always known.

I hate to break it to you, but this post will seem exhausting to those who don’t process and challenge their emotional logic. To others this will seem exhaustive, because they have established healthy boundaries within their relationships.

Getting better and healthier takes work.

Celebrities who say they eat “pizza” and “cookies” while looking great on screen don’t want you to remember they have personal trainers, personal stylists, and personal chef doing the work for them. Improvement takes work. But it’s the most important work.