No one around you is obligated to be patient, be kind, be supportive. Be unconditionally understanding or deal with toxic behaviors in the name of love.

Yes, we should all strive to be kinder to one another and be open to understanding everyone’s mental health and/or their backgrounds. This is part of starting a new relationship. You have to pull back the curtain and see how messy things get behind the charade.

Dating is difficult because there are many choices to make. It’s important to remember that the other person is also making their own choices, and that is his/her/their right to make choices that are best for them.

Dating is practicing flexibility for long periods of time. Getting to know different people over and over, piecing together his/her/their backgrounds, weaving a web of characteristics and pitfalls. You spend a lot of energy trying to catch flags early on, while also trying to be open enough to catch the positive parts of the person.

I’ve found that as a woman, I am also expected to be a moral guide for those who haven’t spent the time and energy fixing themselves and their own pitfalls. When you date people, the idea is that you come together, shake hands, then take the bindle off your back and lay out its contents in front of the other person. They pick up a few things, maybe examine some objects. Then you both collectively decide what you’re okay with.

But some people are afraid to lay out the contents. That’s the most common problem. Then the next one is that some items are kept in pockets, which you end up finding later when you’re already carrying their various other trinkets.

Everyone has baggage.

Everyone.

We all also have our own weight limits.

I wrote in a prior post that I stopped carrying other peoples’ weights because they are simply not mine to carry. People with trust issues or severe insecurities cannot be healed through any love I offer. This is something that took a ridiculous amount of time for me to learn. This will be their own toxic cycle with every person they try to date until they heal themselves.

I also don’t believe in fighting to prove my worth and value to people. If they are unsure, I let them be unsure and I back off or remove myself from the situation. If someone says, “no thank you” to my spread, I say, “okay thanks for your time,” and pack up and wait for the next run-in.

I’m not saying it’s easy to get rejections from people. After a few times you start to get into your head about it. But honestly, dating isn’t personal. We have to give each other a lot of personal information and background, sure. But there are too many reasons, obstacles, other moving parts to sit around and think it’s your fault someone doesn’t want you. It’s an oversimplification to a multi-layered process.

If you have mental health issues, it is YOUR job to work through them and handle them in a healthy way. It is not a love interest’s job to just “deal with it.”

Unpopular opinion: if you are someone who just LOVES the quote, “…But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best,” you are emotionally immature.

You can’t hand people a scoop of shit and wonder why they don’t wanna work to find your best qualities. They are not obligated to go digging for you. But if you openly hand them love, patience, openness and they are shitty, by all means be upset about it.

I guess the biggest complication I’ve run into the dating pool is that most people have mental health weight, but don’t know how to carry it themselves. They get used to tossing it to other people and that’s them handling it.

If you can’t love yourself, you can’t love someone else. But you also can’t ACCEPT LOVE from anyone else.

It’s hard, but stop being so guarded. It’s preventing you from filtering through people faster. Give all the things up front. If that person turns out to be immature or a douche, then whatever move on. That doesn’t speak on your ability to be in a loving and beautiful relationship. But if you’re walking up to people guarded/expecting the worst/distant, you’re not going to create a space for honest communication.

You are not defined by your mental health complications.

You are not defined by the emotions you have. Emotions are to be felt and released.

You are defined by the behaviors and choices you make with those emotions. You are defined by the effort you put into yourself to be the best you can be for other people.

Stop being afraid, you will be okay.

Last but not least, you deserve love. Everyone does no matter their backgrounds or issues. Just find your palatable flavor of love. It will take time, but offer your best self to the world and the world will return gifts of good people to surround yourself with.